Freedom
by Cheddar Wolf
Summary: Kira muses about the SFreedom. SemiAngsty, FYI. Slight KxL


FREEDOM

* * *

He hated it.

He hated every single bloody aspect of it.

Kira Yamato, solider of the Clyne Faction and Orb, stared up at the Strike Freedom with a bitter taste in his mouth.

It was a heartless killing machine. Why was it made in the first place? It would only cause more suffering and countless tears. Lacus said herself in order for there to be peace we must lower our weapons. So why did she make this one? So conveniently after he lost the Freedom? Why was the I-Justice there as well? Did Lacus not truly believe they could bring an end to the war without them?

He frowned.

The Freedom had taken so many lives, whether he liked it or not. It was no longer the majestic blue and white in his eyes, but crimson blood all over. No matter what he tried; disabling, dodging, disarming… he knew people died anyway. He could hear their screams, though the communication lines were not active. He could hear them in the back of his mind, eating away at his belief that they were doing the right thing. Eating very slowly, gnawing away at his sanity and emotions. It left him empty and hollow, with a very vague feeling of what to do next.

His mind was mentally exhausted.

Every time he went out into battle, he could feel another part of him vanish. Swept away; assimilated by that cloud of doubt always lingering in his mind.

He felt he was losing himself from everything. The entire world seemed poised against them. Orb turned its back on Cagalli, the Earth Forces turned their back on any other possible solutions to the war, The Eurasian Federation crumbled, and the PLANTs were being deluded by a man Kira couldn't help but hate.

Hate… such a strong word. Did he really hate him? Was this why he went to battle against all sides? Because of a single attempt at Lacus's life?

But Lacus meant so much to him. He would protect her to the death. She was doing the right thing for all of mankind, he was sure.

"_Ha! How long have you been fighting with your mind clouded by that sweet brand of poison?" _

He shook his head vigorously, and felt the pit of his stomach twist violently with an emotional sickness that only he had contracted. He felt the sudden urge to vomit, but instead dug his fingernails deep into his palm until they turned white.

…Why? Why was that man still haunting him? He was hell-bent on destroying humanity, he was out of his mind! Crazy! So… why?

Why did it seem like he was right all along? Why did some part of him agree that humans were evil by nature? Why wouldn't it let go? Lacus is right, what other humans have done, others can fix. Even if they are evil, there is still some good in them worth protecting…

His breathing became raspy, and he stood there with his head bowed, bangs hiding his eyes… and his internal conflict.

Ever since that day at Jachin Due… Nothing had been the same for him. The haunting image of that masked man pestered him day to day, chiding him for being so ignorant of the truth. The truth that was; wars cannot be stopped. As long as there is man, there will be war. They will constantly go at each other, until their extinction.

Every day since, at some point, Kira could hear him.

But not only him. Others as well. Others passed who also haunt him. Others he has no name for, and are only entity's in his mind. Or so he likes to think. His emotions have become so befuddled with each other, he doesn't know what to think anymore. Sometimes, he can feel himself emotionally reaching out for something… Reaching out and being able to _feel_ other people's pain. Their sorrow, their anger, their tears…

He hates it. This burden is too much for him. The burden of other people weighing him down. This burden, he hates it. And it only grows when he activates Strike Freedom's dragoons.

He hasn't told Lacus.

He hasn't told Athrun.

He hasn't told Cagalli.

He hasn't told anyone.

This is his burden alone.

He glanced up at the Strike Freedom again with distain.

It's all this machine's fault. The blood that's on his hands already, the screams he can hear while piloting. That sick, vomiting feeling he gets when hearing voices.

Or is it really his own? His own fault for pulling that trigger, his own fault for piloting it in the first place?

Kira silently glared at the Strike Freedom, and then he suddenly knew. The reason he hated the Strike Freedom so much.

It was a mirror reflection of himself. The blood-stained hands, the empty lack of feelings. The reason he hated it so much was because it resembled himself. It's as if it were mocking him.

"…Kira?" A feminine voice asked. Lacus Clyne placed a hand on Kira's shoulder. He tensed, then relaxed under her soft grip.

"Yes?" He choked out.

"We're almost ready. It's time." He nodded, and dutifully set out to prepare the Strike Freedom for launch.

To him, it didn't matter right now whether she was right or wrong. What only mattered was bringing this war to a quick end.

The sick feeling resurfaced again, but Kira managed to maintain his composure under the worried watchful eye if Lacus.

Nothing mattered right now, but protecting her. And it would stay that way. He would not let her die; not like Flay. He would rectify that mistake. Even if it meant abandoning all forms of logical reason.

He glared at the newly crafted version of the Freedom one last time, before heading to change his clothes into the pilot suit.

Yes, he decided he hated it. Every bit of it. But as long as Lacus was safe, that's all that mattered. He might lose himself in the process, he might not. He was never sure of the future. All he could do was cling to what he though was right, and fight until this war came to an end.

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED/DESTINY

Yeah, I know, I should quit while I'm ahead. I absolutely suck at trying to keep track of what my one-shots are trying to say. It was originally going to be just about why he hates the S-Freedom so much, but then it blossomed into something about his n3wtype skillz too.

Eh, this is my version of what Kira should have turned out to be after Jachin Due. A big emotional mess trying to be unemotional. Kudos to my (un)brilliant brain for the emotional sickness thing. I was thrilled with that.

And incase you don't understand: The emotional sickness thing, the hearing voices thing, the 'reaching out' thing was all apart of his developing n3wtype skillz. Rau was a new type, so that's why he could hear him. 8D

Questions? Hit "review".


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